A Sweet Serenity

WARNING: SUPER EMOTIONAL POST


Sorry once again peeps. I haven't been doing much lately and should've updated this much earlier. 

But, I've been lacking motivation in my life. Mostly because of social issues. And this is kinda my rant about it. 

Sorry, if it's boring and totally useless, but this is just something that I need to rant about in my life. 

***

So, I'm in my second year of college, a sophomore. I decided to room with the same girl that I did last semester, even though we did have problems. Mostly because she made me feel bad that I wasn't going to room with her originally. So, me being a people pleaser in the HUGEST SENSE decided to room with her. 

This semester started out okay. We were talking and enjoying the beginnings of the semester. The friends that I made last year hung out with us a lot since we all lived in the same dormitory. It was great, until I decided to host a movie night, watching Battle Royale. 

We were to all have dinner that was made by my guy friend. My roommate and another friend of ours were to go get the other things for us to eat like sides, deserts, and we even got Sparkling Cider so we can take shots for when someone dies (since me and my friend don't drink). 

Well, that's when the problem began. 

After the movie, we all decided to hang out and play a casual game of Never Have I Ever. I ended up winning because I'm a pretty innocent person when it comes to doing weird, kinky sexual things. 

I started getting things like I need a boyfriend now cause I'm not living my life. Or that because I haven't had sex that I wasn't experiencing my life to the fullest. Or that I'd be a wild freak in bed and that my personality now is just something that I'm faking to hid what I'm really am. 

I was also told that I needed to change certain aspects of my personality to attract guys. They told me that I was more noticeable when I wore makeup or wore cuter outfits instead of my usual jeans and graphic tees.

I have to say, that was the first time, someone ever tore me down mentally. Never had I been told that my appearance was keeping me from meeting a guy would like me for me. 

Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I always told myself that a guy that like me for me and that love would happen naturally. Not something that I forced upon myself. 

Yet, I was told that I had to force a boyfriend to experience the true college things and life that I was missing. Like my own sexuality was something that I valued. It was like I have to give it up to experience things. 

Yet that's not me. 

It started to get worse and worse. I was told that because I don't smile when I walk around campus that it made me look apprehensive and people didn't want to talk to me. Or that I wasn't trying to be social towards other people because I'm was claiming to be a shy person. 

God, that hurt even more. I'm super empathic to people. My emotions are one of my biggest issues in life. Like even now as I type this I'm crying because of the pain. But to be told these things was like someone driving a knife into me.

Literally, from October to now, I've been depressed. I've literally laid in my bed from October to now watching anime, on tumblr, just avoiding person, because I truly believed that I had nothing going for me. For me, it's hard to bounce back after being verbally torn apart from the people that you call your friends. 

Yet, the people who we're always told that probably won't talk to anymore after high school, are the people who helped me the most. Even people that I haven't even met are people that I can truly cherish. 

I literally broke down. After hearing all of the things that is wrong with you, it was like a breath of fresh air. It was reminder that yes I have faults, but I also have strengths to myself as well. After that, all of my close friends were telling me all of the things that me, well me. 

I was reminded of the girl who was able to befriend all types of people. I was the anime loving girl who wasn't afraid to voice her opinions. I was the person who would take the painful emotions of other people and make their her own so they wouldn't feel alone. I was the girl who would go hell and high water to make sure that her friends were safe. 

Sure, adults told me the same things, but it was the people who I was the closest too that I needed to hear these things from. 

Why should I care if I don't like to go to parties with music I frankly hate and ghetto ass people? If they were truly my friends they would berate me for that. 

Why should I have to drink to have fun? If they have to be drunk to have a good time, then their something wrong with them. 

I am myself and myself only. If they can't accept me for who I am, then to fucking hell with them. I have a group of people who love me for who I am and that's all I need. 

****

I know this post was to start out as a rant, but it was the thing I need accept the fact that I don't need these people and that yes, I have my faults, but I also have my strengths as well. I guess it was the thing that I needed to write to get from weight down on my heart anymore. Sure, they'll prolly be mor tears in the later future, but I refuse to let anymore of this shit get to me. Not when I got peeps that enjoy me for a person. 

So, I like to dedicate this to all of the awesome people that have helped me out and for being awesome throughout my life:

 IRL:

Jessie

Bruna

Kayla

Mathias

Will 

Nick 

Etc (cause I don't want this go do much longer)

Online: 

All my close friends from Harajuku Snapshot like: 

Kira

Teian

Harvey

Ciara

Ree'Ay

etc. 

Thanks and chao~

Allo, peeps. How are you all? 

I'm doing meh at the moment, which is not how I want to feel. T^T. 

What has me so meh, one may ask? My so-called college friends. 

Well, I dunno if I should call them friends. They're all kinda assholes. 

They love to judge me of all of personality aspects. For those who know me (and it's sad that the people that I talk to online, know more about my true personality than my college friends) know that I'm a very homebody type person and fun and wacky. 

Well, they don't see that cause they're very... for lack of better words jerks. They love to party and are extroverted. I'm not a party goer and I'm introverted. It doesn't mean that I don't like to socialize, but it's hard when you don't know where to meet people like myself at college. 

Because I like to stay in my room and watch anime, play video games, or talk to peeps on Facebook, I'm a hermit who doesn't like to do anything to them. 

They think I don't want to have fun because I don't drink. And think that I'm not enjoying life because I don't have a boyfriend and haven't had sex yet. (And yes, I'm a virgin and proud of it).

It's rather hard to deal with people who are always ready to judge me since I'm not like them. I much rather be friendless here and talk to old friends and new friends that I made on the internet. At least, their judgements are based on the me that they really know and not someone that the "friends" that I have here. 

(;A;)

---

Anyway, onto other matters, I got a Wacom Tablet. I bought myself the Bamboo Capture Tablet. 

It's really amazing. Especially when I'm getting better at drawing and what not. :D. Hopefully, I'll get to the point where I can be like some of the great Youtube artists. 

Anyway peeps, till next time. Chao!

Sup peeps. Yeah, I know. I haven't updated in ages. 

Even though my blog sucks! =w=

Anyway, my life has been hella busy and well.... my roommate (of last year) has been pissing me off even more than usual. 

She talks to be only when she needs something, since the chick doesn't own the basic dorm life necessities. I also have a car this year (rocking a 2002 White Buick Rendezvous) so she thinks I'll drive her anywhere she needs to know. Pfff. This chick is cray. 

Oh, I got to visit my best friend at ETSU. Her campus is hella nice and they have suite like hotel rooms. Unlike my prison cell. We played Slender: The Eight Pages, and just relaxed. It was awesome. 

Oh, it's also my October Artist Challenge. What I'm suppose to do is draw something every single day for the whole month of October. So far I'm four days off. T^T. But here are some samples of what I'm doing. 

That's it for now peeps. Maybe you'll see a more another post that's not a couple months later. Chao!

SUP PEEPS!

I'm finally back!!!!!!!!

Yeah, it's been a while and I'm sorry about not updating. 

BUT, I got some awesome updates. 

First, I'm back in college, living the college lifestyle. It's been good, having some extra monies to spend and stuff for school. 

It came with a shit load of books, but it's an awesome program. Plus, I can eat whatever I want to eat. 

I also bought some anime series with work money. 

I bought a 3DS. This is one of the best fucking things that I have ever bought in my life. (And it's all thanks to Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance)

And lastly, I also bought some makeup.

 I was in family dollar and this mini palette was a dollar. It's pretty pigmented for cheap makeup.

 Then I bought Maybelline's Dream Fresh BB Cream in Deep. It's really nice so far. It's not heavy and it blends really well with my skin tone. It's also not heavy like other makeups.

'Sup Peeps. 

Man, like always, I haven't updated this wonderful little thing. BUT, I'm slowly gaining followers which is hella awesome. 

Anyway, this blog post is about why I don't have a lot of black friends. 

Yeah, I know that sounds really weird coming from a black girl, but yeah, most of my good friends are white or other. 

Q: Chibi-chan, why don't you have many black friends! （≧▼≦；)

 Ah, what a good question! (I'm so lame right now). The reason that I don't a good amount of black friends is because black girls and guys are unbelievably rude and play this ghetto like act. For me, there's a difference between acting ghetto to fit in and really being raised in such an environment. 

Maybe, it's because I didn't grow up with a lot of black kids, since I lived in a mostly white area, plus I wasn't raised with race, but how people act. 

Q: So Chibi-chan, you really don't like black people?

Actually, I do have black friends. Many of them, however, are not the unbelievable stupid acting type of person. They're really cool and they aren't like many of the stereotypes that most black people act like. I also had a few black friends from High School and they were the same. They worked really hard, don't act like a nigger (yeah, I used that word), and loved alternative type of styles, musics, etc. 

I'm pretty sure that people many black people don't like me because I'm not like them. I know that ideal is really stupid, but it's like mass mentality. I'm not a fan of mainstream music, I love foreign music, like Latino and Japanese music (what a mix right?), I'm quiet, and love anime and manga. People really don't accept that because it's different. I've learned over the years, that many people of color don't like different things since it's out of the norm and equals change. 

Q: What spurs all of this rant/type of thinking Chibi-san?

Well, for me, my college ends next week and usually hang at this place called the Black Cultural Center. Now, I usually don't hang out at places like this because of the above reasons, but I wanted to try something different this year.  (;¬_¬) Plus, all my classes are 5 minutes away, making it faster to get there. 

However, there is one issue. Out of all of the times that I've been here, one a couple of people have talked to me. I'm a naturally quiet person, so it's hard to make friends with people are extremely extrovert. But, there are many people that don't talk to me and will address all of the other people at a table, and not say one word to me. That's really hard for someone like me. 

Also, a lot of them think that I'm "bougie" (meaning stuck up and thinking I'm better than everyone). I'm really not like that. I'm just really quiet and people haven't learned to accept me for me and it really sucks. I dunno if I'm gonna come up here next semester, but maybe one day it'll change, since there is a good amount of black kids that hate coming up here for the same reasons. 

Anyway, that's it for another rant from me! Chao