WARNING: SUPER EMOTIONAL POST
Sorry once again peeps. I haven't been doing much lately and should've updated this much earlier.
But, I've been lacking motivation in my life. Mostly because of social issues. And this is kinda my rant about it.
Sorry, if it's boring and totally useless, but this is just something that I need to rant about in my life.
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So, I'm in my second year of college, a sophomore. I decided to room with the same girl that I did last semester, even though we did have problems. Mostly because she made me feel bad that I wasn't going to room with her originally. So, me being a people pleaser in the HUGEST SENSE decided to room with her.
This semester started out okay. We were talking and enjoying the beginnings of the semester. The friends that I made last year hung out with us a lot since we all lived in the same dormitory. It was great, until I decided to host a movie night, watching Battle Royale.
We were to all have dinner that was made by my guy friend. My roommate and another friend of ours were to go get the other things for us to eat like sides, deserts, and we even got Sparkling Cider so we can take shots for when someone dies (since me and my friend don't drink).
Well, that's when the problem began.
After the movie, we all decided to hang out and play a casual game of Never Have I Ever. I ended up winning because I'm a pretty innocent person when it comes to doing weird, kinky sexual things.
I started getting things like I need a boyfriend now cause I'm not living my life. Or that because I haven't had sex that I wasn't experiencing my life to the fullest. Or that I'd be a wild freak in bed and that my personality now is just something that I'm faking to hid what I'm really am.
I was also told that I needed to change certain aspects of my personality to attract guys. They told me that I was more noticeable when I wore makeup or wore cuter outfits instead of my usual jeans and graphic tees.
I have to say, that was the first time, someone ever tore me down mentally. Never had I been told that my appearance was keeping me from meeting a guy would like me for me.
Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I always told myself that a guy that like me for me and that love would happen naturally. Not something that I forced upon myself.
Yet, I was told that I had to force a boyfriend to experience the true college things and life that I was missing. Like my own sexuality was something that I valued. It was like I have to give it up to experience things.
Yet that's not me.
It started to get worse and worse. I was told that because I don't smile when I walk around campus that it made me look apprehensive and people didn't want to talk to me. Or that I wasn't trying to be social towards other people because I'm was claiming to be a shy person.
God, that hurt even more. I'm super empathic to people. My emotions are one of my biggest issues in life. Like even now as I type this I'm crying because of the pain. But to be told these things was like someone driving a knife into me.
Literally, from October to now, I've been depressed. I've literally laid in my bed from October to now watching anime, on tumblr, just avoiding person, because I truly believed that I had nothing going for me. For me, it's hard to bounce back after being verbally torn apart from the people that you call your friends.
Yet, the people who we're always told that probably won't talk to anymore after high school, are the people who helped me the most. Even people that I haven't even met are people that I can truly cherish.
It wasn't until I got a compliment from one of my best friends that I finally knew that this had to stop.
"You're a strong, beautiful girl!"
I literally broke down. After hearing all of the things that is wrong with you, it was like a breath of fresh air. It was reminder that yes I have faults, but I also have strengths to myself as well. After that, all of my close friends were telling me all of the things that me, well me.
I was reminded of the girl who was able to befriend all types of people. I was the anime loving girl who wasn't afraid to voice her opinions. I was the person who would take the painful emotions of other people and make their her own so they wouldn't feel alone. I was the girl who would go hell and high water to make sure that her friends were safe.
Sure, adults told me the same things, but it was the people who I was the closest too that I needed to hear these things from.
Why should I care if I don't like to go to parties with music I frankly hate and ghetto ass people? If they were truly my friends they would berate me for that.
Why should I have to drink to have fun? If they have to be drunk to have a good time, then their something wrong with them.
I am myself and myself only. If they can't accept me for who I am, then to fucking hell with them. I have a group of people who love me for who I am and that's all I need.
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I know this post was to start out as a rant, but it was the thing I need accept the fact that I don't need these people and that yes, I have my faults, but I also have my strengths as well. I guess it was the thing that I needed to write to get from weight down on my heart anymore. Sure, they'll prolly be mor tears in the later future, but I refuse to let anymore of this shit get to me. Not when I got peeps that enjoy me for a person.
So, I like to dedicate this to all of the awesome people that have helped me out and for being awesome throughout my life:
IRL:
Jessie
Bruna
Kayla
Mathias
Will
Nick
Etc (cause I don't want this go do much longer)
Online:
All my close friends from Harajuku Snapshot like:
Kira
Teian
Harvey
Ciara
Ree'Ay
etc.
Thanks and chao~
2 comments:
Wow i really enjoyed reading this post of yours. I understand what you were going through. I am in the same boat as well. I would love to tell you about my problems and such but well...you seem to have gotten better and broken out of your problem. Lol I don't want to burden you with my problem.
Either way, I am glad that you are not depressed anymore!! Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are not a beautiful girl! I bet you can get guys any day you feel like it!! And about the smile thing on campus, don't worry about it! you are more focused on your studies than trying to get a man!! Education is more important than trying to populate the Earth.
I don't know what else to say. Sorry if my comment is very random and such. All i have to say is Fighting!!! :D You can do it!
No, your comment is not random. Yeah, it was really hard going through all of this, being broken and then having to find yourself. I actually don't mind talking to other people, so if you ever want to chat, I don't mind! :D
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