WARNING: SUPER EMOTIONAL POST
Sorry once again peeps. I haven't been doing much lately and should've updated this much earlier.
But, I've been lacking motivation in my life. Mostly because of social issues. And this is kinda my rant about it.
Sorry, if it's boring and totally useless, but this is just something that I need to rant about in my life.
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So, I'm in my second year of college, a sophomore. I decided to room with the same girl that I did last semester, even though we did have problems. Mostly because she made me feel bad that I wasn't going to room with her originally. So, me being a people pleaser in the HUGEST SENSE decided to room with her.
This semester started out okay. We were talking and enjoying the beginnings of the semester. The friends that I made last year hung out with us a lot since we all lived in the same dormitory. It was great, until I decided to host a movie night, watching Battle Royale.
We were to all have dinner that was made by my guy friend. My roommate and another friend of ours were to go get the other things for us to eat like sides, deserts, and we even got Sparkling Cider so we can take shots for when someone dies (since me and my friend don't drink).
Well, that's when the problem began.
After the movie, we all decided to hang out and play a casual game of Never Have I Ever. I ended up winning because I'm a pretty innocent person when it comes to doing weird, kinky sexual things.
I started getting things like I need a boyfriend now cause I'm not living my life. Or that because I haven't had sex that I wasn't experiencing my life to the fullest. Or that I'd be a wild freak in bed and that my personality now is just something that I'm faking to hid what I'm really am.
I was also told that I needed to change certain aspects of my personality to attract guys. They told me that I was more noticeable when I wore makeup or wore cuter outfits instead of my usual jeans and graphic tees.
I have to say, that was the first time, someone ever tore me down mentally. Never had I been told that my appearance was keeping me from meeting a guy would like me for me.
Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I always told myself that a guy that like me for me and that love would happen naturally. Not something that I forced upon myself.
Yet, I was told that I had to force a boyfriend to experience the true college things and life that I was missing. Like my own sexuality was something that I valued. It was like I have to give it up to experience things.
Yet that's not me.
It started to get worse and worse. I was told that because I don't smile when I walk around campus that it made me look apprehensive and people didn't want to talk to me. Or that I wasn't trying to be social towards other people because I'm was claiming to be a shy person.
God, that hurt even more. I'm super empathic to people. My emotions are one of my biggest issues in life. Like even now as I type this I'm crying because of the pain. But to be told these things was like someone driving a knife into me.
Literally, from October to now, I've been depressed. I've literally laid in my bed from October to now watching anime, on tumblr, just avoiding person, because I truly believed that I had nothing going for me. For me, it's hard to bounce back after being verbally torn apart from the people that you call your friends.
Yet, the people who we're always told that probably won't talk to anymore after high school, are the people who helped me the most. Even people that I haven't even met are people that I can truly cherish.
It wasn't until I got a compliment from one of my best friends that I finally knew that this had to stop.
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